Reflections on Compassion and Pity

I attended a Buddhist teaching today that included a very interesting discussion on the difference between compassion and pity.  Though I had some intellectual understanding of the two words, the difference felt like semantics really.  The more folks contributed, and in my reading on the topic since, I am realizing that there are in fact, very important differences between the two, and that my intellectual understanding was/is posing a significant barrier to my own development.

From the Mahayanna Buddhist perspective, compassion is the wish for all beings to be free of suffering. Seems pretty straight forward, and maybe even on the surface, "pity" feels like a plausible synonym.  The group I attended contributed various definitions for pity that included a sense of removed empathy, condescension, acknowledging another's suffering but separating oneself from it on some level.  Compassion on the other hand comes from a place of shared experience, driven by interconnectedness, joy, and love.

Noticeable discrepancies also start to become more evident when you think about these two forces in action.  Compassionate action is selfless and can wear many masks ranging from warmth to wrath.   The ultimate goal is to alleviate suffering, potentially through apparent kindness or potentially through "tough love."

There is plenty of information on the web about this topic, and on one discussion board in particular a contributor made the point that pity often leads to action by way of guilt.  Rather than acting in order to do what is best for the other person, we act to feed our own ego and/or prevent whatever guilt we anticipate feeling should we do nothing.  In this way, it is more evident how pity might be a form of condescension--"I am clearly in a better position than you are, so I should help you to prove my kindness, avoid feeling stingy, and maybe just because it's nice to help people."

The real kicker was a quote from some renowned teacher who had visited the center a few years ago, which I can only paraphrase--compassion should leave us with a feeling of joy, not of sadness.  If we are left feeling bummed out or pessimistic as a result of our constant encounters with the suffering of others, it's safe to say we are sleeping with the near enemy of compassion that is pity, and are still trapped in the delusion of separateness.  Now THAT'S a pity!