The Power of "And"

You may not think conjunctions are the most communicative parts of speech, but they can be the difference between emotional health and illness.

We typically have difficulty allowing mental and emotional space for more than one type of feeling or thought at a time.  It may not be much of a stretch to experience both anxiety and excitement at the prospect of skydiving from 13,000 feet, but how do we manage more conflicting emotions such as love and hate, or joy and dread?

Consider an example--a break up or divorce.  Few experiences bring up more conflicting, confusing emotions than the end of a long-term relationship.  We are faced not only with stored up resentments, dashed hopes, and bitter sweet memories of how things used to be, but are often required to take a close look at our fear of being alone.  There's no way around the Herculean task of redefining yourself as something other than "the other half" of a couple either.

Our minds are constantly constructing story-lines, meshing and molding sensory input with emotional responses to form a version of reality that reflects our inner and outer worlds.  These stories can bring us to a staggering, painful standstill when faced with a break up.  "I know this relationship had to end, but I still love him." "I want to be mature about splitting time with the kids, but what I really want to do is punch him in the face."  The conflicting emotions do not fit neatly into our mind's formulaic approach to understanding the world, and the result is a lot of suffering--unnecessary suffering.

The problem? "But." The solution? "And." Think of a situation in your life that has you pulled in two directions.  "I want to follow my dream to be a photographer, BUT I want the stability of a full time job." Sit with whatever emotion that conflict brings up.  Feel the tension?  I sure do.  Now replace the "but" with "and." Suddenly you aren't dealing with the black and white, all or nothing situation your mind naturally gravitates towards, but are instead looking at two possibilities.  Does it get quieter in your head when you use "and?"

Humans are capable of holding and experiencing an ocean of emotion--we rob ourselves of a deeper, richer life experience when we get hung up on the "this or that" stories we tell ourselves.  We give ourselves a precious gift when we allow even the toughest conflicting emotions to exist together in our minds and hearts.  It's true, you love AND hate your mother, feel calm AND terrified walking down the aisle, fear AND trust your boundless worth.   AND, it's all OK.