During periods of turmoil and distress, it is easy to be
hard on ourselves and let our fear and shame dictate our emotions, actions, and
thoughts. If you’re like most people, it can be easy to fall into a trap of believing
that we’re the problem and that if we only worked harder, planned better, made
a different choice, insert your own “should” here, we would be experiencing
less emotional distress and greater fulfillment.
Suffering is a part of being human. And being human is hard.
It is easy to get swept away in futile attempts at perfection rather than
allowing ourselves to be at peace with the reality that life involves suffering
and darkness. It is then our job to do what Marsha Linehan, the founder of
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, refers to as “bearing our pain skillfully” rather than
pushing it away, avoiding difficult emotions, blaming ourselves, or succumbing
to self-doubt. When we experience something that shakes us to our core, an
attitude of gentleness and self-compassion is often the most helpful stance to
promote healing.
What does it mean for you to be gentle to yourself? For some
it may look like reminding ourselves daily that we’re doing the best we can.
For others it may mean clearing your schedule in order to spend some time
taking care of ourselves, creating more reasonable expectations, or setting
helpful boundaries in relationships. Gentleness is the active, intentional
choice to treat ourselves as humans deserving of kindness and love, whether we
believe that about ourselves or not.
The following resources are designed to help you move away
from a mindset of self-shaming and create more space for gentleness and
self-compassion.
1)
Insight
Timer – Guided Meditations for Self-Compassion: Insight Timer is a
user-friendly meditation app that allows you to choose from a large selection
of prerecorded guided meditations or use their timer feature to meditate on
your own with the option to play various peaceful background noises (nature
sounds, bells, etc.). “Five Minutes of Self-Compassion” by Lisa Abramson is a lovely and brief way to
ground ourselves in lovingkindness and remind ourselves that we are all doing
our best (Dr. Mowrey is also a contributor—check out her profile at https://insighttimer.com/CreasmanCounseling).
2)
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown -
Brene Brown’s research primarily focuses on shame, vulnerability, and
worthiness. In The Gifts of Imperfection
she calls readers to move away from our constant need to “perform, please, and
perfect” and embrace our own imperfections and failures on the path to living a
“wholehearted” life.
3)
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer – Germer invites us
to challenge our inner critic and take steps towards being more
present-focused. This book provides a balance of practical mindfulness
exercises, scientifically based research findings, and wisdom from Germer’s
years as a therapist.
I hope these resources can be good jumping off points for
creating a practice of self-compassion. What are other steps you can take
towards cultivating gentleness towards yourself? Maybe it’s honoring your body’s
physical needs with sufficient sleep, nourishment, and water. Or perhaps it’s
rescheduling a social engagement for a time when you know you’ll have the
capacity to be present and enjoy it.
I’d love to hear from you! How were you able to cultivate
gentleness this week?
Post contributed by: Kelsey Domann-Scholz, MA, LPCA
Creasman Counseling, PLLC
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