When distraction isn't effective

The world is full of options for distracting ourselves from painful emotions.  Illicit and legal drugs, shoes, food, television all serve to take us away from difficulty, to improve those moments where we would otherwise encounter anxiety, boredom, or sadness.  Distraction isn't all bad and is in fact quite useful when the intensity of an emotion threatens to push us toward poor choices-- maybe if I hadn't eaten that cupcake I would have written my boss an angry email outlining exactly where she could put my poor performance review.  When distraction is our primary means of managing painful emotions we may find ourselves perpetuating problems rather than learning from them.

Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun originally from New York sums it up, "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." There are a lot of important assumptions built in to this mind blowing quote.  If we replace "nothing" with "emotion", then we must believe that emotions 1) will come and go, 2) serve a purpose, and 3) that purpose is to teach us something necessary for our growth.  I've never met a 3 year old, who stopped his tearful tantrum in order to thank his mother for taking away his candy.  Similarly, we typically view our negative emotions as some sort of potentially never-ending punishment, as entities to be fought against, so that we can get back to our candy-- pleasant feelings, sensations, and experiences.  It may feel like a great leap to see our emotions as necessary and benevolent teachers.  Just as our parents had to teach us some lessons through negative reinforcement, our emotions must sometimes take on a negative charge in order for us to make changes.   

How will we know when it's time to lean in rather than time to distract?  The wisdom to know what needs to be done and how is always available to us if we are willing to be still long enough to hear it.  But since that is such a dissatisfying answer, here's a more concrete recommendation.  When you recognize a pattern, it's time to lean in.  I frequently work with clients who find themselves in the same type of romantic relationships over and over again. One person realized that she consistently partners with men who need help and ultimately ends up feeling drained, taken advantage of, and rejected when the relationships fall apart.  Her care taking behaviors in all of these relationships were driven by a powerful feeling of guilt.  After identifying the feeling, we got to work making room for it, allowing it's messages and sensations to drift in and out during meditation.  By allowing her chest to tighten and the tears to flow, as memories of caring for her alcoholic mother arose, she was able to hear the message borne by the guilt-- I am enough.  She had felt the need to earn love and connection through acts of sacrifice.  Without inviting her guilt in, she would have continued chasing her worth in dead end relationships.

Whether you feel anxious any time you try something new, or feel hopeless whenever you set a goal, emotional patterns provide us the opportunity to contact a greater understanding of ourselves.  Rather than starting another Netflix series at the first sign of a familiar negative feeling, try opening to it with non-judgmental presence.  Opening is not narrating, but experiencing.  Instead of talking to yourself about why you feel the feeling, just be with it.  Allow the guilt, fear, boredom, and anger a soft place to land long enough to connect with their lessons, and those difficult emotions will soon be history.