Let's talk about boundaries

I used to get annoyed when people would make reference to lessons "the universe" was teaching them--use of the words "spiritual" and "journey" were truly cringe-inducing.  All of these words are now a regular part of my vernacular.  My resistance was about my disconnection and self-doubt.  I am no stranger to choosing smug intellectualism over raw fear and sadness, but every time I have turned toward a feeling, I have found a sense of presence that I can only explain as the universe, or Spirit, or God showing me something I need to know.

These days the universe is trying extra hard to teach me about boundaries.  In The Matrix, (nerd alert!) the Auricle tells Neo that he shouldn't worry about the vase he is about to break, but that what will really "bake his noodle" is whether it would have happened if she hadn't said anything.  So maybe I see boundary issues with my clients because I'm looking for them, but maybe the issues are there to be seen.  Boundaries with parents at all levels of dysfunction and dysregulation, boundaries with bosses and friends-- everywhere I turn there seem to be people struggling to find their voices, validate their pain, or stop feeling resentful.  These are all boundary tasks.  

Brenè Brown said it best when she defined a boundary as a line between what is ok and what is not ok.  This is one of those practices that is simple but not easy.  We struggle to let others know what is ok and what is not ok for so many reasons.  With functional parents, we are navigating the difficult terrain of longstanding power differentials-- I can't tell my mom it's not ok to come over without calling, that would be disrespectful!  With friends, we are struggling with how much we can ask for or say no to without damaging the relationship.  With a dysregulated parent we may be weighing the possible punishments we will incur if we don't bend to the parent's will, and are likely fighting longstanding patterns of guild-induced helplessness.  So many factors shape our willingness and perceived ability to give voice to our wants and needs.

My boundary struggle is about fear and a "not good enough" narrative.  When someone is testing or pushing a boundary I feel my chest tighten, my face harden, and fear begins to take over my being.  If I lean in to that, I see all the times my needs were minimized or dismissed, all the experiences that taught me it is not ok to disappoint, disagree, or disengage.  These experiences planted a seed that my worth is about my ability to make others happy, and I have been trying to rip out that taproot for a while now.  It continues to be challenging to separate my desire to act in kindness from my training as "a good girl." Conversely I find it easy to overshoot on boundary setting, engaging anger as a means of feeling powerful enough to make my point. 

One issue that arises frequently is mistaking a boundary goal with a validation goal.  Sometimes we draw a line in the sand, not to define what is ok/not ok, but as bid for understanding.  We don't just want our friend to talk about something other than her horrible life, we also want her to understand why that is tiresome and straining to the relationship.  Boundaries can be set and maintained without explicit communication.  Validation requires voice, and we often go hoarse asking for validation from unwilling or incapable sources.  When we feel that someone must  hear us and make changes in order to move past a feeling or an experience, we are handing our power to that person in a way that will inevitably leave us feeling ineffective.  When we use our voices to demand respect and validation, we actually undermine the very boundaries we are trying to establish.  We weave a connection and create a dependence on the other person when we hitch our happiness to their understanding.

I think the best we can do in embracing our boundaries is to 1) Identify the barriers to truth within ourselves-- the memories, the restrictive self-definitions, the negative feelings we seek to avoid 2) Get quiet and still enough to connect with our inherent wisdom and 3) prepare to be kind to ourselves when we screw up.  Boundary setting skills are contextual and constantly in flux.  Maybe it's ok that I can ask my boss confidently not to call me on weekends, but quiver at the thought of asking my partner to acknowledge the work I do around the house.  If we are expecting to flip the switch to perfect, painless boundaries, we will get in our own way.  I wish I could say it gets easier, but I just don't know that yet.