Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills for everyday life, Part 2

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that feel a lot like emotional quick sand--it seems no matter what we do, we are unable to alleviate our pain.  Painful situations are a natural part of human experience, and are occasionally unavoidable.  For these times when we feel stuck in a miserable situation, Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills of distress tolerance can help us to ride the waves of negative experience without added suffering.

Quicksand Survival 101:  While I have never personally been so unlucky as to find myself in actual quicksand, it seems like common knowledge that the more we struggle against the quicksand, the faster we go under.  Painful experiences such as going through a break up, receiving bad medical news, or financial problems follow this rule as well--the more we fight against the reality of what is, the less likely we are to be effective at managing the situation.  DBT offers four ways of addressing a problematic situation to avoid struggling against painful realities:

1. Solve the problem: Struggling against the quicksand is not to be confused with calling for help, grabbing for a branch, or otherwise maneuvering out of the situation.  The latter options are all reasonable responses that directly address the problem.  When we find out that our spouse is considering leaving, for example, struggling might look like drinking to avoid tough conversations, while problem solving might involve suggesting that our spouse come to couples counseling with us.  Which leads us to...

2.  Accepting the situation: Some level of acceptance is required to address any distressing situation.  We cannot fix that which we do not acknowledge to be real.  When no problem solving option is available however, we can call upon the skill of acceptance to reduce the suffering associated with refusing to acknowledge a problem.  Sometimes just allowing space for all the feelings that show up with a bad situation helps us to move through the problem more effectively.

3.  Change the way you think:  This strategy goes beyond deciding that the glass is half full when it seems half empty.  When we change our perspective on a problem, we empower ourselves beyond the constraints of the situation.  Deciding to see an injury right before a big race as an opportunity for developing self-acceptance may seem superficial, but it can make a tremendous difference in the level of negative emotion we experience.  A change of perspective does not mean that we don't acknowledge the painful feelings that might arise from our initial interpretation of a situation, but rather that we choose to water the seeds of thinking that we feel will benefit us most significantly.

4.  Stay miserable:  The option to keep thrashing against the quicksand is always available to us.  It is important to acknowledge that staying miserable is to an extent a choice, and not a direct result of the circumstances.  Are some experiences inherently painful?  Absolutely!  However, the suffering associated with refusing to acknowledge a problem that is already there is avoidable with the three steps above.